Heartbroken: I will never have a little girl.

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We’ve decided.

My husband and I decided we’re done having kids. We have 2 wonderful boys who are healthy and happy and I couldn’t be more grateful. But there’s a part of me that will forever be sad. That’s because I will never know what it’s like to have a little girl. Before I knew my little boy was a boy, I had everything planned out; her name, her room decor, her first outfit. I still have a secret pinterest page with nothing but what I wanted for her. It’s named after her and I can’t bring myself to delete yet.

The day of the ultrasound came and I went in confident that we were having a girl. They say “God laughs at your plans” and He must have had a good laugh with me.

Needless to say, I was surprised, shocked, whatever. I was happy though that everything looked great and we were well on our way to having a healthy pregnancy and baby. To be honest, I knew it in my heart of hearts when we went in. I dreamt of it. I knew he was a boy but I didn’t want to fully believe it. I wanted a girl.

Maybe that sounds selfish or insensitive but deep down, that’s how I felt. I felt like somehow I was promised a little girl. One that I could share makeup with, go shopping with, share her first boy drama with, or how to make an epic business deal. I wanted to teach her that strong women are a force to be reckoned with. That we face hard times ahead but the strength of the women behind us helped to pave a solid road to help.

These are the things I wanted to celebrate with her. To show her. To help her navigate through. I wanted to show her that I had her back during all of it.

These are some of my deepest feelings, regrets, hopes, and broken dreams as a mother. Though my sadness is deep, I know I have made a decision to maintain all the wondefullness I do hold.

So here is my final thought…

To the little girls out there born to mother’s that cherish them, who had no one that believed in them, who were left to fend for themselves, or who held their ground and will be our future leaders; here’s a tight hug from me. I wish you were mine. So deeply, I wish I held you as my own.

You have my love, girls. A love that runs so deep you cannot comprehend it. I will always wish you were mine.

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