I constantly see articles about “hacks” for moms. These are bullshit. No mom needs to spend their time making “lunchable style sushi” or any other form of trying to cater to their little snowflake at the expense of their personal well-being. Honestly how is adding more time sucking activities to the day at all helpful? I would like to, instead, suggest some real life hacks for moms who simply do not have time to give that many craps about the whole parenting deal.
Let the dog clean up.
90% of the reason to own a dog is to have an automatic clean-up crew. I fully believe that the bigger the family the bigger the need for a dog/living vacuum. Currently my family is using a chocolate lab model and the floors are cleaned to our satisfaction on a regular basis. Dog cleaning crews are especially helpful when it comes to highchairs. No one enjoys digging old mushed food out of the nooks and crannies of a highchair like a dog. At times the dog can also be used to directly clean children. The level of child sanitation is minimal but it is likely better than the effort I was going to put in.
End the kid lunch drama.
Tired of fretting over packing lunches? Does the amount of planning and preparing a perfect little meal for your child that will survive the bus ride to school, in addition to not rotting on the way, on a daily basis give you hives? School lunch. I really don’t need to explain this one. The school makes the food and cleans up. Done deal folks.
Easy access laundry.
Keep all clean laundry in the laundry room. You can fold it if you want, but it works in a giant pile on-top of the dryer. With this method when your family asks where said favorite clothing item is the answer is easy, “on the dryer”.
Floor level snack cabinet.
Easy access to copious amounts of snacks makes everyone’s life easier. The closer to floor level the location of the snacks the earlier in life you can train your children to self feed. Snack packs are your friends here. I rely on fruit snacks, granola bars, and goldfish crackers to keep me sane. When I start feeling fancy/lazy I order those mixed snack boxes from Amazon.
Just call it “shabby chic”.
This one not only makes you feel better about the status of your current decorating scheme but also currently makes you kind of trendy. Are your couch cushions torn? Half-ass patch it and call it “shabby chic”. Wood furniture scratched? Throw on a mismatched stain and call it “shabby chic”. Has your rug seen better days? Nope it’s “shabby chic”. You see what I’m getting at. No need to waste money on new stuff your kids are just going to ruin, just rename and embrace it.
Bribe the crap out of the kids.
Forced labor is technically frowned upon. This is why there have been many times in my parenting life that I have used bribery to keep my own sanity. Of course my kids have chores that are required as admittance to continued residence in our home, but sometimes there are things that I ask them to do that are above and beyond. For example, sometimes the baby needs constant attention to the point that I consider putting her on a Craigslist post. When these times arise I typically tell one or both of the other kiddos that if they agree to entertain the baby for 15-minutes I will make it worth their while. There is no shame in this. Bribery will make life so much easier for everyone, particularly Mama.
I’m not saying that all the fancy “mom hacks” posts are wrong. Actually… yes I am. Screw all of that perfect parenting crap. Let’s all just be completely honest with one another and admit that it is ok to suck as a parent every now and then.