If the phonics bus was honest.


wp-image-864514244Most people have been exposed to some version of the incessant phonics bus.   The monotonous and repetitive droning of letters and sounds is burned into my mind.   I have fantasized about the demise of this bus.  Watching it be thrown from a highway overpass and then promptly run over by a semitruck, would be incredibly satisfying. But I digress.  It would be nice if just once the phonics bus was blunt and honest.

A: A is for asshole.  “My kid is being an asshole tonight.”

B: B is for breakfast. “Popcorn is now a breakfast food.”

C: C is for clutter. “Clutter is my decorating scheme.”

D: D is for drinks. “I am only putting on pants if we can get drinks.”

E: E is for exaggerate.  “I exaggerate my adulting skill level.”

F: F is for (you know what F is for). “F*ck is my favorite sentence enhancer.”

G: G is for gin. “I like gin.”

H: H is for help. “Help!  I am outnumbered by tiny humans!”

I: I is for inconvenient.  “It is inconvenient that placing children in a kennel is socially unacceptable.”

J: J is for joy.  “It is a joy when grandparents offer to take the kids.”

K: K is for kick. “I am going to kick myself for volunteering to organize the bake sale.”

L: L is for love.  “I love bedtime.”

M: M is for money. “We have no money.”

N: N is for negotiation.  “I am in the middle of a heated negotiation with my toddler.”

O: O is for options.  “Tonight’s dinner options are baked chicken or starvation.”

P: P is for practice.  “I am so glad I spent the evening at t-ball practice so my son could make sand castles.”

Q: Q is for quiet. “Quiet is always suspicious.”

R: R is for reign.  “I’m going to need everyone to reign in the crazy.”

S: S is for sleep.  “Sleep… what the hell is that?”

T: T is for temper.  “Temper, what’s that?   I must have lost mine.”

U: U is for under.  “It’s probably under the couch. ”

V: V is for value.  “My minivan has significantly decreased in value.”

W: W is for wine.  “Wine is also known as “Mommy Juice”.”

X: X is for… X is for… “No one knows what X is for.”

Y: Y is for yell.  “I don’t yell at my kids… unless they are being little jerks.”

Z: Z is for zoo.  “At any given time my home could pass for a zoo.”

Finding humor in the everyday crap is one of the few coping skills I have to make it through the day.  If that means reinterpreting a children’s toy into something purely inappropriate, so be it.


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