Most people have been exposed to some version of the incessant phonics bus. The monotonous and repetitive droning of letters and sounds is burned into my mind. I have fantasized about the demise of this bus. Watching it be thrown from a highway overpass and then promptly run over by a semitruck, would be incredibly satisfying. But I digress. It would be nice if just once the phonics bus was blunt and honest.
A: A is for asshole. “My kid is being an asshole tonight.”
B: B is for breakfast. “Popcorn is now a breakfast food.”
C: C is for clutter. “Clutter is my decorating scheme.”
D: D is for drinks. “I am only putting on pants if we can get drinks.”
E: E is for exaggerate. “I exaggerate my adulting skill level.”
F: F is for (you know what F is for). “F*ck is my favorite sentence enhancer.”
G: G is for gin. “I like gin.”
H: H is for help. “Help! I am outnumbered by tiny humans!”
I: I is for inconvenient. “It is inconvenient that placing children in a kennel is socially unacceptable.”
J: J is for joy. “It is a joy when grandparents offer to take the kids.”
K: K is for kick. “I am going to kick myself for volunteering to organize the bake sale.”
L: L is for love. “I love bedtime.”
M: M is for money. “We have no money.”
N: N is for negotiation. “I am in the middle of a heated negotiation with my toddler.”
O: O is for options. “Tonight’s dinner options are baked chicken or starvation.”
P: P is for practice. “I am so glad I spent the evening at t-ball practice so my son could make sand castles.”
Q: Q is for quiet. “Quiet is always suspicious.”
R: R is for reign. “I’m going to need everyone to reign in the crazy.”
S: S is for sleep. “Sleep… what the hell is that?”
T: T is for temper. “Temper, what’s that? I must have lost mine.”
U: U is for under. “It’s probably under the couch. ”
V: V is for value. “My minivan has significantly decreased in value.”
W: W is for wine. “Wine is also known as “Mommy Juice”.”
X: X is for… X is for… “No one knows what X is for.”
Y: Y is for yell. “I don’t yell at my kids… unless they are being little jerks.”
Z: Z is for zoo. “At any given time my home could pass for a zoo.”
Finding humor in the everyday crap is one of the few coping skills I have to make it through the day. If that means reinterpreting a children’s toy into something purely inappropriate, so be it.
