Dear Perfect Comment Section Mom, STFU. Sincerely, everyone else on the planet.

I am sure that everyone has read her comments. The mom in the comment section of an article, news story, or personal status who decides that her opinion is so incredibly important that everyone must not only be subjected to reading it but must also agree with her. She clearly states that all her ducks are in a row. Hell,  her ducks are marching in straight military fashion. You can just picture her perfect little life. You can also create a clear picture of her choking on her own bullshit.

Any news article about an unfortunate accident, she could have prevented it. She has a play-by-play of what should have been done before the random boulder fell from the sky. She could have prevented the victims from being at the wrong place at the wrong time.   If people were only as prepared and educated as her, the world would be a better place. Those poor innocent victims would have been just fine if they had “done their own research” just like her. She’ll gladly provide links to her favorite reddit pages. #knowbetterdobetter

Her parenting expertise has gone unmatched. She is still breastfeeding her 127-month old, but not in public. All of her babies have slept through the night since birth (and if your’s didn’t it is because you lack basic mothering skills). Her children are perfectly behaved at all times. They have never bickered, talked back, or picked a booger. There is no need for a method of discipline in her home because her children only earn her highest praise. #doingitright #blessyourheartfortrying

She is the queen of the “humble brag”.   She is sure to point out how well little Bobby did on his… well everything.   She receives constant praise on her appearance, parenting, and general existence (but only because she is asking for it). She also is sure to make every compliment into a Facebook status. It’s amazing how many random people just happen to walk up to her and praise her beauty, grace, kindness, and motherly instincts. Strangers insist on approaching her family only for the chance to bask in in their perfection. #blessed #barelytrying #pictureperfect

Video games, tablets, and TVs are not found in her home. Her children enjoy nothing more than silent reading time and educational board games. All of her children have had Ivy league prospects since Kindergarten standardized testing. #goals

Comment Section Mom has never lost her temper. Not once. She is cool, calm, and collected at all times. She does not drink or use any form of earthly means to handle life. She is spiritually enlightened and uses the energy of the universe to power through her perfect life. #centered #bestlife

Honestly, Comment Section Mom is a self-centered, self-righteous, bitch. Her need to tear apart the lives, choices, and tragedies of others speaks volumes about the ugliness dwelling inside of her. Do not feed into her need for attention. Ignore her attempts to engage you in her masterbation self-indulgence. Ignore, unfollow, block and relish in the knowledge that your lack of compliance to her wishes drives her nuts. #perfectrevenge

Personally, my ducks are screaming, running into walls, and currently throwing mashed potatoes onto the floor. There is no way Comment Section Mom is having half as much fun in life as I am. #suckit

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