Guaranteed ways to wake up the kids. 

Every parent understands the beauty of bedtime.  Every parent also understands the frustration of bedtime fails.  The following is a short list of ways I have recently woken up my children.

  • Try not to wake up the kids.
  • Think about having sex.
  • Be completely silent.
  • Plan an at home date night.
  • Plan some personal time.
  • Run a bath.
  • Open a bottle of wine.
  • Turn on your favorite movie.
  • Say, “The kids are finally asleep.”
  • Hell,  just think the kids are asleep. 
  • Put on lingerie.
  • Think about putting on lingerie.
  • Try to use the bathroom privately.
  • Break into your DVR to finally watch the finale of anything.
  • Tell someone what great sleepers your kids are.
  • Try to relocate a sleeping child.
  • Order a pizza.
  • Open a bag of potato chips.
  • Start to paint your nails.
  • Sit down.
  • Stand up.
  • Take a deep breathe.
  • Start working on that special little project you love so much.
  • Fall asleep.
  • Kiss your partner.
  • Put on a charcoal mask (advantage, you’ll scare the crap out of them).
  • Make a plan of any kind that involves the kids being asleep.

Yes, I am bitter as hell right now.  All of the kids are awake and I completely give up.  We are now a nocturnal family.  Playdate at 1:00am?  I’ll have wine.

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