I am one of those parents that usually speaks before I think. This results in some super random comments coming out of my mouth.
Potty training:
- “Don’t touch the poop!”
- “No, your vagina and your butthole are not the same thing.”
- “It will not miss you, flush.”
- “It’s cool that you can pee with no hands, but can you at least pretend to aim?”
- “No, that is not your “front butt”. The word is vagina.”
- “Yes, your sister’s looks different. No, hers is not broken.”
Boys and penis fascination:
- “Don’t worry, yours will get bigger like Daddy’s.”
- “Do NOT ask strangers about their penises!”
- “No I don’t have one. No I don’t want one.”
- “We do not paint penises on the gingerbread men!” (Keeping that ornament forever…)
- “Don’t play with your penis while sitting on Grandma’s lap.”
- “I get that it is fascinating that it gets bigger when you play with it. But can you at least wait until the company leaves?”
Mealtime:
- “If you don’t eat, you die.”
- “No farting at the table.”
- “Stop strangling your brother and take a bite.”
- “How in the heck do you lose a fork WHILE you are eating with it?!”
- “Cheetos are not a food group.”
- “If I put ranch dressing on it, will you at least try it?”
Sibling crap:
- “Stay away from each other! Don’t talk, don’t touch, don’t look, don’t even think about each other!”
- “I don’t care who started it. Dance it out.” *blasts 90’s boy-band channel on Pandora*
- “You’ll like each other one day. Today is not that day.”
- “The baby is not a toy and I can’t make her do anything. She runs this show.”
- “Whoever cleans up their room first gets to be my favorite kid.”
Farming:
- “Yes, all the eggs come out like that.”
- “I don’t care if you get dirty but stay out of the poop.”
- “The mealworms are for the birds, not you!”
- “Elmer (our rooster) just really likes to hug the hens.” (Elmer had full-blown screwed 5 hens in front of the kids before I realized what was happening.)
- “You CANNOT ride the dog.”
My own pure laziness:
- “It’s way to early. Go downstairs, get a bag of chips, and play the iPad.”
- “Buddy you can have a pop if you bring me a beer.”
- “Figure out how to make the baby happy.”
- “We have 15-minutes guys! Throw as much stuff in the closets as you can!”
- “How bad does it actually smell? I mean… if it’s not toxic just wear it.”
- “Let the dog in, he’ll clean it up.”
This should just be considered a working document. More to come.
Tired Not Dead 