A list of crap I can’t believe I’ve said: Parenting Edition

I am one of those parents that usually speaks before I think.   This results in some super random comments coming out of my mouth.

Potty training:

  • “Don’t touch the poop!”
  • “No, your vagina and your butthole are not the same thing.”
  • “It will not miss you, flush.”
  • “It’s cool that you can pee with no hands, but can you at least pretend to aim?”
  • “No, that is not your “front butt”.  The word is vagina.”
  • “Yes, your sister’s looks different.  No, hers is not broken.”

Boys and penis fascination:

  • “Don’t worry,  yours will get bigger like Daddy’s.”
  • “Do NOT ask strangers about their penises!”
  • “No I don’t have one.   No I don’t want one.”
  • “We do not paint penises on the gingerbread men!” (Keeping that ornament forever…)
  • “Don’t play with your penis while sitting on Grandma’s lap.”
  • “I get that it is fascinating that it gets bigger when you play with it.  But can you at least wait until the company leaves?”


  • “If you don’t eat, you die.”
  • “No farting at the table.”
  • “Stop strangling your brother and take a bite.”
  • “How in the heck do you lose a fork WHILE you are eating with it?!”
  • “Cheetos are not a food group.”
  • “If I put ranch dressing on it, will you at least try it?”

Sibling crap:

  • “Stay away from each other! Don’t talk,  don’t touch,  don’t look, don’t even think about each other!”
  • “I don’t care who started it.   Dance it out.” *blasts 90’s boy-band channel on Pandora*
  • “You’ll like each other one day.   Today is not that day.”
  • “The baby is not a toy and I can’t make her do anything.   She runs this show.”
  • “Whoever cleans up their room first gets to be my favorite kid.”


  • “Yes, all the eggs come out like that.”
  • “I don’t care if you get dirty but stay out of the poop.”
  • “The mealworms are for the birds,  not you!”
  • “Elmer (our rooster) just really likes to hug the hens.” (Elmer had full-blown screwed 5 hens in front of the kids before I realized what was happening.)
  • “You CANNOT ride the dog.”

My own pure laziness:

  • “It’s way to early.  Go downstairs,  get a bag of chips, and play the iPad.”
  • “Buddy you can have a pop if you bring me a beer.”
  • “Figure out how to make the baby happy.”
  • “We have 15-minutes guys!  Throw as much stuff in the closets as you can!”
  • “How bad does it actually smell?  I mean… if it’s not toxic just wear it.”
  • “Let the dog in, he’ll clean it up.”

This should just be considered a working document.  More to come.






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