Camping: One Big NOPE.

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Camping.  What sounds better than leaving the house (which we have worked so hard on and paid so much money for) to live like banshees out in the woods? How does that sound appealing? We leave the luxuries of running water and electricity, so we can do all the same shit-chores without any of the conveniences? Are you high? You have to be high.

If I go on a “vacation” I do not want to do any of the following:

  • Cooking

Are you kidding me? Why is this even an argument? I have a perfectly good grill if I want to get a taste of wood fire on my food. I also have a fire pit in my back yard to roast marshmallows. So all these great “outdoorsy’ things, I can do that from the comfort of my home. Do not start with the “Oh, a campfire is so much better” bullshit. I can’t even.

  • Cleaning

“Let’s spend hours clearing a space, putting up a tent, setting up sleeping and food arrangements, and generally trying to establish a settlement, just so we can tear it all down, clean it up again, and haul all that crap back home.” Yeah, that sounds so relaxing (if you have not figured out my sarcasm at this point, stop reading).

  • Sleeping on Dirt

Do not give me your lame statement about how you sleep on an air mattress (or something comparable). I do not care. I spent thousands on a mattress that I do not sleep well on NOW. Your little air mattress is only going to be yet another reminder of how precious “good” sleep really is.

So fun!

No, simply no.

  • Wild Animals

Normally this is where I would interject something about my kids. Not this time. Oh no, you literally need to pack “heat” when tromping around in some godforsaken no man’s land because there are animals out there hungrier than you. Do not get me wrong, on the “heat” portion of things though. I like a gun as much as the next girl, but to actually have to use it in self-defense, or die a painful death…or even worse, live through it?! That sounds just GRRReat! After that I can look forward to living out my days looking like the Phantom of the Opera. How about I just lock the doors to my house? Oh what was that? That worked and the money-maker is still fully intact? Boom! …and once again, I win.

  • Travel

I love to travel. By that I mean, I love to travel to places that will do all the things I just mentioned above WITHOUT me. When I get there I want them to take over. Take over the food, the drinks, the dishes, the laundry, and all the while, entertain me to-boot. Not some fricken’ hike to “Death’s Landing” so I can wake up in the morning only to find that raccoons have peed in my boots, ransacked the place, and left yet another mess that I (lucky me) get to clean up. Wait, let me add to that list of fresh hell, because now we also have nothing left to eat because those little angels of the wild (Vermin!) contaminated EVERTHING. Seriously, why would anyone…you know what, never mind. Camping is stupid. Period.

  • Here’s my amendment

I love the outdoors. I love bonfires, nature, fresh air, and sunshine. Heck, even bugs do not bother me. I just do not want to have to do all the same things at home without any of modern inventions that have made these tasks less miserable.

Ok, fist bump to still being friends? Next topic, please.

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